My Week Currently | Week 01

I can’t write it all because the pain is still here but I will try to reach you in the way I know is best.

During the last months of the year, when I thought the year or decade was over, the universe gave me a new challenge.

It altered most of the things I thought I prepared myself about my health. I couldn’t do anything and I was drowning in it.

It was a moment when everything lost its significance. But I did try to fight against the emotions that came with it.

I managed to mingle, had fun, to hang out, reach out. I diverted my emotions to other things but at the end of the day, the pain was still there.

My memories of the holidays was little. Most of the time I was on bed, sick, physically and emotionally.

Yet I had no regrets. I would handle the situation the same way if things came around for the second time. I was grieving for the things I have lost and the things I’m now facing.

But I understand.

I understand there are moments I can’t always be brave, or optimistic or strong. There are days when I can’t get out of bed because my body aches all over and I feel nothing.

I understand the tears, every night, when everyone was asleep and I was wide awake because I fear facing my thoughts. I understand the emptiness, the insecurity and anger.

I understand how strong I can be in the middle of it all. How I wiped my tears so earnestly even though my chest was hurting and how shutting myself out wasn’t helping me.

2019 was a tough year. There were many tears and struggles, but there were also good moments I will treasure with me. Yet, like all other things, all the good and the bad, they will remain on yesterday.

This new year, I feel nothing. And this time, emptiness is a good thing.

I don’t need a plan. I don’t need to do things in order, or to promise happiness for myself. I just need to live. That itself is enough for me.